Kindergarten Commencement
An excerpt from Gator A-Go-Go by Tim Dorsey
“…I see you glancing over at the cupcakes and ice cream, so I’ll limit my remaining remarks to distilled wisdom:
” Respect your parents. And respect them even more after you find out they were wrong about a bunch of stuff. Their love and hard work got you to the point where you could realize this.
“Don’t make fun of people who are different. Unless they have more money and influence. Then you must.
“If someone isn’t kind to animals, ignore anything they have to say.
“Your best teachers are sacrificing their comfort to ensure yours; show gratitude. Your worst are jealous of your future; rub it in.
“Don’t talk to strangers, don’t play with matches, don’t eat the yellow snow, don’t pull your uncle’s finger.
“Skip down the street when you’re happy. It’s one of those carefree things we lose as we get older. If you skip as an adult, people talk, but I don’t mind.
“Don’t follow the leader.
“Don’t try to be different—that will make you different. “Don’t try to be popular. If you’re already popular, you’ve peaked too soon.
“Always walk away from a fight. Then ambush.
“Read everything. Doubt everything. Appreciate everything.
“When you’re feeling down, make a silly noise.
“Go fly a kite—seriously.
“Always say ‘thank you,’ don’t forget to floss, put the lime in the coconut.
“Each new year of school, look for the kid nobody’s talking to—and talk to him.
“Look forward to the wonderment of growing up, raising a family, and driving by the gas station where the popular kids now work.
“Cherish freedom of religion: Protect it from religion.
“Remember that a smile is your umbrella. It’s also your sixteen-in-one reversible ratchet set.
” ‘I am rubber, you are glue’ carries no weight in a knife fight.
“Hang on to your dreams with everything you’ve got. Because the best life is when your dreams come true. The second-best is when they don’t but you never stop chasing them. So never let the authority jade your youthful enthusiasm. Stay excited about dinosaurs, keep looking up at the stars, become an archeologist, classical pianist, police officer or veterinarian. And, above all else, question everything I’ve just said. Now get out there, class of 2020, and take back our state!”
- Serge A. Storms
